The Under Appreciated Value of Inter-Generational Conversation

If there’s one thing that isn’t stated enough these days, it’s the importance of listening to our elders and learning from their experiences. Maybe technology has made us feel like all knowledge is accessible with a device connected to the Internet, or maybe we don’t value maturity. Either way, deep and meaningful conversations between generations don’t hold the weight they should, and many opportunities are missed.

The oral tradition cultures of centuries ago gave the young a front row seat to the wisdom of parents and grandparents. We might not sit around fires and have story time with grandma but we still have people available to us who provide perspective and empowering words.

Who do you think you’d be today, if someone older hadn’t dispensed advice, guidance and a warning or two? How many bad decisions were you saved from making because you listened to someone who clearly knew a lot more than you? There is so much value in learning from each other, and even more when we allow our communication to cross the generational lines.

It isn’t one sided either; when intergenerational conversations are encouraged, both sides of the age divide benefit. Young people can teach older generations about a lot more than how to use Instagram. Through our perspectives they can see life through different eyes, and open up to new views on things like careers, gender roles and finding happiness. Through their perspectives we can learn about black womanhood and black manhood, learn how to make better decisions and how to be great examples for the generations that follow.

In whatever form they come, intergenerational conversations are a vast and often underappreciated resource that impact who we become. It is a part of our story that is incredibly important. The four main characters in No Lies Told Then, Sandra, George, Bridget and Johnathan are a perfect representation of important conversations between the generations.

George relied on Johnathan as a confidant, Sandra also learned a great deal from Johnathan’s perspectives and although their relationship wasn’t perfect, Sandra was also enriched through her conversations with her mother. For Sandra, her learning started as a young girl growing up in Harlem, but we get to see the ultimate benefit of everything she learned in the woman she becomes. Though the journey of her life was often bumpy, terrifying and difficult – having the wise words of the people around her aided her navigation. She also provided powerful life lessons to her own mother and it teaches us that no one is ever too old to learn.

Having older and wiser people in our corner makes a difference; if we’re lucky enough to have them we should lean on these relationships. Find a mentor, spend time with your parents, aunts and uncles, soak up the nuggets of their life experience and teach them a few things too! Appreciating these connections means that we too will be appreciated when we slide to the higher side of the great age divide!

Nayla Kidd & The All Too Familiar Need to Escape a Life of Unreasonable Expectations

She left a life that to many was the epitome of success and potential. She changed phone numbers, deleted her Facebook page, switched bank accounts and moved. Is this a woman on the run or an undercover FBI agent? No, it’s an Ivy League student, Nayla Kidd (19) who decided to make a drastic decision to change a life that she simply couldn’t stand to be in anymore.

“I needed to break from my old life of high pressure and unreasonable expectations.” It’s a feeling that’s a lot more common than we’d want to admit, and even though completely switching lives is quite extreme, it’s easy to understand how it can happen and identify with all the pressures that cause it. Society has built life on specific things beauty, perfection, wealth, work and relationships that are framed as common, but aren’t exactly a world view that everyone shares. Being different and wanting different things is seen as a betrayal of that image but the problem is that same image is making so many of us miserable.

For someone whose life appeared so together, Nayla was struggling and she just couldn’t see a way out that didn’t require a huge shift. It’s a shift that’s extreme and obviously outlandish so it makes her seem like an anomaly. While her actions are rare - the feelings and circumstances that it informed them aren’t. It does happen, and it is happening.

There are probably hundreds of thousands of people who find themselves under incredible pressure. They have the world at their feet, plenty going for them - success, beauty, fame, popularity and the trappings of a good life but secretly they drown everyday in pressure, self-doubt and a pain that many don’t see and wouldn’t believe. It’s even worse when you have what everyone sees as the perfect life.

In our work towards creating a fulfilling life, the roads we take can bring us closer to the opposite of who we want to be. Some actions are taken to fit in, and to be what everyone else expects us to be, and the problems begin when these actions make us feel alien to ourselves. At that point what’s the way forward, do we fight or flee? Do we accept that life as is it or do we find ways to fight against it and move against the trap of what everyone else considers inevitable?

I’d imagine that this is what Nayla thought about as she woke up morning after morning, inching closer to her greatest fears. A life of high pressure comes in many forms – from intelligence, to physical perfection and wealth, it’s easy to become trapped in the image of success that’s expected instead of working our way towards our own interpretation of it.

It’s a struggle we see Sandra fight in “No Lies Told Then” and hopefully it’s one we see her win by finding and writing her own truth. The best outcome is to never have to run away or be assumed missing by our loved ones. The best way it can turn out is to discover where you need to be without having to change phone numbers and bank accounts.

Are You Living on Unreasonable Expectations: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Happy people don’t have to ask if they are happy, it’s just a state of mind that exists freely. If you find yourself feeling like happiness is far away that’s not a good sign.

2. Does it feel like it takes a huge amount of effort to get you through one day? It’s often the constant feeling of carrying a load that’s too heavy or failing to find joy or satisfaction in anything. This suggests that you’re not living a life that represents your own personal truth.

3. Do you feel like your life is more about meeting milestones that are seen as successful by other people? True success comes from fulfilling a path that’s defined by your own ideas, perspectives and the things that bring you joy.

The Black Women's Voice Isn't Just Marketable, It's Necessary

Black women’s voices are on a loudspeaker right now; after the many lifetimes of powerful black heroines who fought, spoke, protested and were suppressed, ignored, silenced or worse. I’ve seen us abused, disregarded, victimized and often shown to be at the bottom of the food chain when it comes to the respect, understanding and attention of the world - especially in the moments we needed them the most. I don’t what caused the shift, but 2015 truly felt like a watershed moment where we loved ourselves and each other, and we painted it on our shirts and expressed it boldly online, in the streets and on award show stages. It felt so good for the self love of black women to be something that dominated the year, so much so that it seems to have become fashionable.

With the words “the black woman’s voice is very marketable right now” a character in “Being Mary Jane” echoed the idea that while we were speaking words of adoration, support and sisterhood to ourselves, brands took notice and started listening in on that frequency. Some brands did it well, like Apple Music with that epic commercial featuring Kerry Washington, Taraji P. Henson and Mary J. Blige. Other brands attempted tactics that either tried to get a rise out of us for clicks or discredit an empowering movement, or disqualify its necessity as Elle magazine so dismally did recently.

Our #blackgirlmagic isn’t just about our bodies, our hair and our looks - it’s also about our power, more specifically, our economic power and the billions in dollars we spend on products. It’s a power many brands desperately want in on. My enquiry doesn’t lie with their products, it lies with their sincerity. Are we being courted for the right reasons? Are institutions and mega-companies playing to our tune to empower us, give us a voice and help make bold moves towards integration or are we being used as a means to a profitable end?

When people say that the black woman’s voice is highly marketable, this attracts the attention of two groups of people; those who really want black women to win and will ensure that our victories aren’t hollow, superficial and temporary. On the other side we could fall into the trap of anyone who realizes that there’s money to be made in this movement, and they’ll fake their way into our hearts and wallets. The ability to distinguish between the two is one of the most powerful weapons we have in our arsenal - because the last thing we need is for our empowerment to be treated like it’s the latest trend which will get shoved to the back burner when something newer and shinier pops up.

I don’t want our collective voice to just be marketable, or the new fashionable thing to be down with. I want it to be necessary and permanently a priority for us and for any brand trying to win us over. Close attention must be paid to who claims to have our backs - their interest in us must be heartfelt, not exploitative and we deserve to be seen as valuable beyond how much money can be made off our cultural value.

Character Exploration - Sandra: A Protagonist Reflecting Black Womanhood

I have never had more fun getting to know a character than I had with Sandra.  In most of my other scripts and stories, we see a snapshot of a character in a specific place at a specific time in their life.  You build backstory and reveal things about the character throughout, but there’s something that’s beautifully freeing to get to know a character as she gets to know herself over a number of years.  

I have written so many drafts of No Lies Told Then and I am sure the number easily exceeds fifty.  To some it would be a frustrating process, and there were times it was, but it was all a necessary part of the process.  It gave me the opportunity to get to know these characters, especially Sandra.  There are scenes that were written, then deleted, but it allowed me to discover little things about her that helped me create a more complete human being.

I love Sandra.  I’d like to think she would be my sister friend in real life and we would get together weekly over wine to discuss all that’s wrong in the world and how we would fix it.  Quite simply, she is real to me and I honestly believe I was only a vessel used to tell her story.

On the surface, Sandra is the epitome of the narrow idea of how successful black womanhood appears:  striking, confident, well-dressed, well-mannered and “articulate”.  As the author of a popular book series, she should be on top of the world.  Yet, she is far from fulfilled.

She has responsibilities.  There’s her mother who sacrificed so she could succeed.  Her readers who propelled her to superstardom levels in the literary world.  There’s the editor whose success is directly tied to hers.  With a deadline rapidly approaching, and so many people nipping at her heels, she is barely holding it together.

I wanted to peel back the layers of this character to reveal her private struggles and turmoil.  She had dreams for her life, and made choices in the short term that have long term consequences.  She’s trapped and while the world envies her, she’s just a vulnerable, insecure woman who is lost.  What she sees in the mirror is the result of a lifetime full of mistakes.  

I don’t think Sandra realizes how unhappy she is until a chance encounter propels her to reflect on her life, the decisions she’s made and how she arrived at this place in her life.  I think we all have that moment, whether there’s a catalyst or not, when we wonder, “How did I get here?”  Throughout the film, we’ll have the opportunity to watch how she arrived at her crossroad, but more importantly, we’ll see the outcome of her realization.

When I talk to people about Sandra, I say she is all of us.  Her struggles in life are what we all experience; it’s our collective story told through the eyes of one.  She wears a mask.  When it is removed and she faces herself, there she finds No Lies Told Then.

Character Exploration: George

The mysterious painting that's central to George's character...

Fun fact:  I often imagine an actor’s voice in my head when I write.  It helps me find the character’s pitch and consistency in their speech pattern.  In this case, the voice of choice was George Clooney.  I named the character “George” so I knew which voice to listen to in my head.  The name stuck.

I once shared an early draft of No Lies Told Then on a screenwriting website where writers post their work for other writers to review.  The feedback was invaluable in helping me flesh out this character, and it was interesting to read some of the perceptions of George even though I was deliberately vague about one thing I particular.

Before the feedback, George was a handsome, charming, successful and wealthy author.  However, several people pointed out he needed to be more than those things.  They were right and that’s how he became a British expat and acquired more talents; he needed traits other than the obvious to make the protagonist and audience fall in love with him.

He is purposely mysterious in the beginning.  He’s the man we meet in the bar who says all right things and oozes confidence and sex; the perfect potential one night stand.  He’s the fun guy who doesn’t have a care in the world and possesses the unique ability to make every woman who enters his orbit feel like she’s the most important person in his life.  He has perfected the art of saying everything yet nothing at all; always the life of the party and a nurturer in his own way.  It’s something that works very well for him for most of his life.  

Like Johnathan, there are some things I’ve known about George since day one and the most important is the influence of a key figure from his past.  I knew she left him wounded, perhaps fatally, but the who, what and why couldn’t be revealed too early.  In our own lives, it sometimes takes years to understand how our past has left us scarred, so in that way, George is like all of us.

George may look like a man who has it all together, the reality is he is anything but; he is coming apart at the seams.  His lonely existence works for awhile, but when Sandra enters his life as a woman who is his equal in every way, he begins to question if the way he has lived all these years is the path he wants to continue to travel.

Just as Sandra must take her own journey to discover who she is and what she wants, George must do the same.  To move forward, he has to rid himself of the demons of his past.  As an audience we experience his “ah ha” moment with him.  I never expected him to have this moment, but his role in the ending evolved so organically, his story couldn’t remain unfinished.